


Steve chooses between Double Penetration and Three Dicks at the Same Time

by TheGirlWhoLies (DoctorCrookshanksHolmes)



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Cards Against Humanity, M/M, Short One Shot, Steve is Not a Virgin, Tony is not classy, and Clint is clint, idek just read it, natasha is a bamf, the relationship is there if you use a microscope, this is not actually porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-02-03 21:55:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1757955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorCrookshanksHolmes/pseuds/TheGirlWhoLies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony purchases Cards Against Humanity. Hijinks ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Steve chooses between Double Penetration and Three Dicks at the Same Time

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry this is probably really bad I haven't written anything in forever  
> Feel free to write mean comments and critique

"This is, without a doubt, the best purchase I have ever made. And I bought an elephant once," Tony said, holding up a black box to Clint and Bucky.

"What exactly is Cards Against Humanity?" Bucky asks, eyeing the box suspiciously. Anything that claimed to be against humanity couldn't be good, could it?

A slow grin spread across Clint's face as he recalled the last time he'd played it "It's an extremely inappropriate card game, Barnes. Fill in the blank or answering what's on the black cards with whatever is written on the black cards." Clint turned to Tony and crossed his arms. "You know we have to make Cap play it. You do know that, right?"

"Way ahead of you, Hawkass," Tony said as JARVIS informed the members of the team to report to the training floor.

Bucky looked around in confusion. He still didn't understand the game or why Steve had to play it, but there was no easy he was going to miss it.

\-------------------------------

By the time Steve reached the training room, everyone else currently residing in the tower was already seated at a large table. Tony had a frightening grin on his face and was talking with Clint, apparently telling stories about something very funny, as they were both red-faced from laughing. Natasha sat on the other side of Clint, face unreadable as she shuffled some black cards. Two large stacks of white cards were placed on the table, and Natasha placed the black cards between them. Bucky was reading the instructions, a smirk spreading across his face. Bruce simply sat with his hands folded neatly on the table and his glasses sliding down his nose.

"Pop a squat, 'Murica," Tony called from the table. "We're doing a team building exercise!"

"What exactly is the exercise?" Steve asked as he sat next to Bucky. The seat he chose put him directly across from Tony, which he wasn't sure he liked.

"Cards Against Humanity. The most inappropriate card game in the history of time," Natasha spoke up, dealing out cards to everyone at the table. "It's great fun."

Steve frowned but picked up his cards. He figured this was a ploy to embarrass him, but he wasn't as impressionable as they seemed to think. He had been a soldier. He grew up in Brooklyn. He'd heard and seen plenty. There was no way this game could bother him.

The first card he picked up made him widen his eyes. His jaw fell open as he reread the card in disbelief.

His card read "Gloryholes". The neighborhood he had grown up in was mostly a "don't ask, don't tell" kind of neighborhood in terms of sexuality, but anyone who had been into a bar in that side of town knew what a gloryhole was.

"Okay, Rogers," he thought. "It can't get much worse."

An hour later, his face was red from laughing and his moral boundaries had been long forgotten. He read the cards he was to be judging and made a face. The black card read "What never fails to lighten up a party?"

The answers he received were "genetically engineered super soldiers", "double penetration", "wearing an octopus as a hat", "three dicks at the same time" and "velcro". He immediately decided not to pick velcro or super soldiers, since that would seem narcissistic. Wearing an octopus as a hat seemed silly. 

And just like that he was left with two homoerotic choices as his answers. With a shrug, he chose three dicks and grinned as everyone gasped and laughed, with the exception of Natasha, who smirked and claimed the black card to assert that she had won.

"What are you trying to tell us, Cap?" Tony asked with a grin.

"Nothing you'd ever need to know, Stark," Steve shot back with a grin. "I keep my orgies tasteful and Tony-free."

Clint raised an eyebrow. "Have many orgies, do you Rogers?"

"Come around my room sometime and find out," Steve dead panned back. There was a roar of laughter and they kept playing.

Throughout the next the half hour, Steve won several black cards. He won "What brought the orgy to a grinding halt?" from Clint with "ominous background music." He won "How did I lose my virginity?" from Bruce with "The black power ranger". He was unstoppable.

After playing the game for a solid three hours, Tony finally called an end count of points.  
Bruce had seven. Tony had eleven. Clint had fifteen. Bucky had twenty. Natasha had twenty three.

Steve had forty three.

"Remind me to never play this with Steve again," Clint complained, standing and stretching.

Steve grinned, winking at Bucky. "Next time you want to embarrass me, try harder. After all, those orgies aren't going to start themselves."

With that, Steve turned on his heel and exited the room, leaving four open-mouthed stares and a hysterical Natasha in his wake.

**Author's Note:**

> I changed my mind I'm not even sorry


End file.
